Rufus And Clarence
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence, both were brothers of Spunky...as well as second cousins and Rufus was also an aunt...
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your but t!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and knock your head off!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the County comes along and build a bridge.
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's but t!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up...
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge... walked halfway over the bridge... looked up..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches"...
He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"
Full Version: Spunky and her kin jokes!
Shot Redneck
At the RCT Estates Police Station, Spunky's brother-in-law Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
At the RCT Estates Police Station, Spunky's brother-in-law Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
The Old Graveyard
Three rednecks called Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the grave stone, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
Three rednecks called Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the grave stone, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
LOL! 
ROTFLMAO!!!!! Keep'em coming Wagi! This thread is hysterical! 
Bubba knows everybody
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Bubba's New Southern Dictionary
HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State jes north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State jes west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Kraan."
EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Kraan smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun "have you".
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State jes north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State jes west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Kraan."
EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Kraan smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun "have you".
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
ROTFL!!!!! More excellent!!!!!! 
You get five pickles for those!!!!
You get five pickles for those!!!!
Ah dint thank ah wuz ignert til ah seed yur post! 
Have you ever wondered what would life be like if Microsoft was headquarted in Redmond, Mississippi, instead of Redmond, Washington?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) Their #1 product would be Micr'sawft Winders
2) Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3) Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4) Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or " Naw"
5) Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6) The "Recycling Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7) Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8) Peripheral products would include a beer tap
9) Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10) Interconnectivity would be a goal at a family reunion
11) Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12) Micr'sawft Word would be just that: one word
13) Instead of latte carts we'd have grit carts
14) New Shutdown sound: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
15) Instead of VP, Micr'sawft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16) Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17) Micr'sawft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18) Four words: Daisy Duke screen saver
19) Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20) Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
21) Flight simulator upgraded to Tractor Pull Simulator
22) Micr'sawft CEO: Bubba Gates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) Their #1 product would be Micr'sawft Winders
2) Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3) Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4) Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or " Naw"
5) Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6) The "Recycling Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7) Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8) Peripheral products would include a beer tap
9) Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10) Interconnectivity would be a goal at a family reunion
11) Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12) Micr'sawft Word would be just that: one word
13) Instead of latte carts we'd have grit carts
14) New Shutdown sound: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
15) Instead of VP, Micr'sawft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16) Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17) Micr'sawft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18) Four words: Daisy Duke screen saver
19) Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20) Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
21) Flight simulator upgraded to Tractor Pull Simulator
22) Micr'sawft CEO: Bubba Gates
ROTFL!!!! Good one. BTW - love your sig! I'm making it my new mantra! 
Redneck Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum 8 inches from the trunk.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO?
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor s 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a holler with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum 8 inches from the trunk.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO?
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor s 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a holler with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
thanks Velvet for the kind words, glad to see that you are enjoying the show ...
a friend of mine just sent me that quip in an e-mail this morning, I just HAD to use it
a friend of mine just sent me that quip in an e-mail this morning, I just HAD to use it
I printed it. - It's now stick on my monitor!!! Keep the redneck stuff comin'! Living in Charleston, SC, I know all about rednecks! Last week I saw a guy ridin' around town with a landscape timber for a bumper! 
Last week I saw a guy ridin' around town with a landscape timber for a bumper!
VelvetFoxx said 'REDNECK'
hehehe ... just waiting for someone to say the magic word ...
y'all ever wondered what would it be like if Star Wars was invaded by the South ???
here is my top ten reasons y'all mite be a Redneck Jedi ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 . . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master"
9 . . . you call Yoda your Li'l green buddy
8 . . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored
7 . . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a landspeeder battery
6 . . . you feel that duct tape is like the FORCE: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
5 . . . your plan to destroy the Death Star includes two M-80s and a half gallon of granny's moon shine
4 . . . Chewbacca is offended by your B.O.
3 . . . you can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken
2 . . . you've used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon
1 . . . you hear Darth Vader say . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your brother . . . and your uncle!"
till we meet again . . . "May the FORCE be with y'all"
hehehe ... just waiting for someone to say the magic word ...
y'all ever wondered what would it be like if Star Wars was invaded by the South ???
here is my top ten reasons y'all mite be a Redneck Jedi ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 . . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master"
9 . . . you call Yoda your Li'l green buddy
8 . . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored
7 . . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a landspeeder battery
6 . . . you feel that duct tape is like the FORCE: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
5 . . . your plan to destroy the Death Star includes two M-80s and a half gallon of granny's moon shine
4 . . . Chewbacca is offended by your B.O.
3 . . . you can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken
2 . . . you've used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon
1 . . . you hear Darth Vader say . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your brother . . . and your uncle!"
till we meet again . . . "May the FORCE be with y'all"
Most excellent!!!!!! I'll be chuckling about this one all day.
Omgrofl. Lemme get out my e-mail client.
time for another ...
A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar.
It was then that an angry Bubba stood up, rolled up his sleeves and yelled
"I resent that !"
The ventriloquist started to apologize.
Bubba looked at him and said
"You shut up and stay outta this, I'm talking to that guy on your lap!!!"
A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar.
It was then that an angry Bubba stood up, rolled up his sleeves and yelled
"I resent that !"
The ventriloquist started to apologize.
Bubba looked at him and said
"You shut up and stay outta this, I'm talking to that guy on your lap!!!"
Have ya'll noticed that the tawkin' he-ads on the TV been spendin' alota time lately tawkin' 'bout shiite?"
ROFL!!! OMG, this is TOO funny!
top 10 things you will NEVER hear a redneck say
10 - I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy
9 - No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe
8 - Duct tape won't fix that
7 - You can't feed that to the dog
6 - The tires on that truck are too big
5 - Wrasslin's fake
4 - Oh I just couldn't. Heck, she's not even sixteen
3 - Who's Richard Petty ?
2 - Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that I haven't seen yet
and the number 1 thing that you will NEVER hear a redneck say is
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
10 - I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy
9 - No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe
8 - Duct tape won't fix that
7 - You can't feed that to the dog
6 - The tires on that truck are too big
5 - Wrasslin's fake
4 - Oh I just couldn't. Heck, she's not even sixteen
3 - Who's Richard Petty ?
2 - Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that I haven't seen yet
and the number 1 thing that you will NEVER hear a redneck say is
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
ROTFL!!!!!!! Good one!!!!
Good one!!!!
letter to home
Dear Ma and Pa
I's well. Hope y'all are too. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for ole man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of these here places are filled. I was restless at first because you gots to stay in bed till nearly 5:30 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men gots to shave but it ain't so bad, as they get warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruits, juices, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, black eyed peas, grits, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell brother Walt and brother Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches", which the Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. I reckon he ought ta know, as it is not my place to tell him any different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like the schoolteach, but he nags something awful. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown alot. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill brother Walt and brother Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting !!!
I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like them Higgett boys back home. All you gots to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own bullets. They come in lil boxes you just plug into the rifle . . . amazin'
Be sure to tell brother Walt and brother Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
Dear Ma and Pa
I's well. Hope y'all are too. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for ole man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of these here places are filled. I was restless at first because you gots to stay in bed till nearly 5:30 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men gots to shave but it ain't so bad, as they get warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruits, juices, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, black eyed peas, grits, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell brother Walt and brother Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches", which the Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. I reckon he ought ta know, as it is not my place to tell him any different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like the schoolteach, but he nags something awful. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown alot. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill brother Walt and brother Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting !!!
I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like them Higgett boys back home. All you gots to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own bullets. They come in lil boxes you just plug into the rifle . . . amazin'
Be sure to tell brother Walt and brother Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
^ LOL!!
May as well add to the fray!
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
> Red-necks are from Ohio too!
>You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:
>
>You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
>
>You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and
>construction.
>
>You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
>
>You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
>
>"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
>
>You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as
>they
>open their mouths.
>
>You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas,
>Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
>
>"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer
>hunting in the fall.
>
>You measure distance in minutes.
>
>Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
>
>Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
>
>You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
>
>You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
>
>You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example:
>"Where's my coat at?"
>
>You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
>unlocked
>
>
>You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O
>salad with marshmallows.
>
>You carry jumper cables in your car.
>
>You know what 'pop' is.
>
>You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
>
>Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
>(Amen!)
>
>You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
>
>The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page
>but requires six pages for sports.
>
>You know which leafs make good toilet paper .
>
>You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:
>
>You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
>
>You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and
>construction.
>
>You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
>
>You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
>
>"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
>
>You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as
>they
>open their mouths.
>
>You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas,
>Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
>
>"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer
>hunting in the fall.
>
>You measure distance in minutes.
>
>Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
>
>Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
>
>You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
>
>You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
>
>You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example:
>"Where's my coat at?"
>
>You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
>unlocked
>
>
>You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O
>salad with marshmallows.
>
>You carry jumper cables in your car.
>
>You know what 'pop' is.
>
>You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
>
>Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
>(Amen!)
>
>You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
>
>The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page
>but requires six pages for sports.
>
>You know which leafs make good toilet paper .
>
Boy, am I glad not to live in Redneck area
LMAO ... I'm from Ohio (pronounced : uh-high-a) and that stuff was just fantastic
loved the comment about Cedar Point and deer season (cause it's true ?)
by the way - I do have a recipe for 'buckeyes' make them every year for Christmas
speaking of Christmas, I just compiled my top ten list for Christmas ...
so here is my present to ya'll ... enjoy
top ten reasons ... you just might be a red-neck (Christmas Version)
10 You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
9 Your Christmas tree is still up in March.
8 Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
7 You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment gifts.
6 Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
5 The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
4 Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
3 Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
2 Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
and the number 1 reason you just might be a red-neck is ... you go Christmas shopping for your momma, sister and girlfriend ... and you only need to buy one gift.
loved the comment about Cedar Point and deer season (cause it's true ?)
by the way - I do have a recipe for 'buckeyes' make them every year for Christmas
speaking of Christmas, I just compiled my top ten list for Christmas ...
so here is my present to ya'll ... enjoy
top ten reasons ... you just might be a red-neck (Christmas Version)
10 You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
9 Your Christmas tree is still up in March.
8 Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
7 You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment gifts.
6 Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
5 The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
4 Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
3 Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
2 Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
and the number 1 reason you just might be a red-neck is ... you go Christmas shopping for your momma, sister and girlfriend ... and you only need to buy one gift.
Bubba Claus
Being as I'm from Uh-high-a (right dab smack in the middle of union territory) this little tid-bit was found in our local rag - a new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I (Santa) will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract has been renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin (twice removed), Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: 'These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.'
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little chew though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear 'On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ...' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, 'On Earnhardt, on Gordon, on Stewart, and Labonte, on Johnson, on Martin, on Newman and Harvick.'
5. ''Ho, ho, ho!'' has been replaced by ''Yee Haw!'' And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, ''I her'd dat!''
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words ''Back Off!'' The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as 'Miracle on 34th Street' and 'It's a Wonderful Life' will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see 'Boss Hogg Saves Christmas' and 'Smokey and the Bandit IV' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like 'Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer' and Bing Crosby's 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.' This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's 'Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,' Cledus T. Judd's 'All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack,' and Hank Williams Jr.'s 'If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Then Go Sit In the Snow and Shovel It.'
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
Being as I'm from Uh-high-a (right dab smack in the middle of union territory) this little tid-bit was found in our local rag - a new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I (Santa) will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract has been renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin (twice removed), Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: 'These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.'
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little chew though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear 'On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ...' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, 'On Earnhardt, on Gordon, on Stewart, and Labonte, on Johnson, on Martin, on Newman and Harvick.'
5. ''Ho, ho, ho!'' has been replaced by ''Yee Haw!'' And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, ''I her'd dat!''
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words ''Back Off!'' The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as 'Miracle on 34th Street' and 'It's a Wonderful Life' will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see 'Boss Hogg Saves Christmas' and 'Smokey and the Bandit IV' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like 'Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer' and Bing Crosby's 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.' This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's 'Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,' Cledus T. Judd's 'All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack,' and Hank Williams Jr.'s 'If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Then Go Sit In the Snow and Shovel It.'
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
^ There isn't a long enough post in the world to show how funny that is....
There isn't a long enough post in the world to show how funny that is....
Hillbilly Computer Jargon
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bit- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
Byte -Whut them dang flys do
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Diskette - Female disco dancer
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
Online - Where you hang your clothes to dry
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
Windows - Place in the truck to hang your guns
Floppy - When you run out of Polygrip
Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions
Reboot - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff
Network - How to get yer bait for fishin
LAN - To borrow as in, "Hey Bart! LAN me yore truck."
Digital control - What yore fingers do on the TV remote
Packet - What you do to a suitcase before a trip
Log on - Making the wood stove hotter
Log off - Don't add no more wood
Download - Gettin' the farwood offn the pickup
Megahertz - When yer not keerful gettin' that farwood downloaded
Floppydisk - Whatcha git from tryin' to carry to much farwood
Prompt - Whut the mail ain't in the winter taim
Screen - Whut to shut when it's black fly season
Microchip - Whut's left in the munchie bag
Laptop - Whur the kitty sleeps
Software - Them dang plastik forks and knives
Mainframe - Holds up the barn ruf
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bit- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
Byte -Whut them dang flys do
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Diskette - Female disco dancer
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
Online - Where you hang your clothes to dry
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
Windows - Place in the truck to hang your guns
Floppy - When you run out of Polygrip
Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions
Reboot - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff
Network - How to get yer bait for fishin
LAN - To borrow as in, "Hey Bart! LAN me yore truck."
Digital control - What yore fingers do on the TV remote
Packet - What you do to a suitcase before a trip
Log on - Making the wood stove hotter
Log off - Don't add no more wood
Download - Gettin' the farwood offn the pickup
Megahertz - When yer not keerful gettin' that farwood downloaded
Floppydisk - Whatcha git from tryin' to carry to much farwood
Prompt - Whut the mail ain't in the winter taim
Screen - Whut to shut when it's black fly season
Microchip - Whut's left in the munchie bag
Laptop - Whur the kitty sleeps
Software - Them dang plastik forks and knives
Mainframe - Holds up the barn ruf
"Skeeter" accidentally overturned a wagonload of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the him trying to right the tipped wagon.
"Hey Skeeter," the farmer said., "Forget your troubles for a spell and come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."
"That's mighty nice of ya'll, but Pa won't like that," Skeeter replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, alrighty then, " Skeeter finally agreed. "But Pa won't be liken' it none."
After a hearty meal, Skeeter thanked the farmer. "I feel's me a whole lot's better now, but I jus' knows that Pa gonna be upset 'n all."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."
"Hey Skeeter," the farmer said., "Forget your troubles for a spell and come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."
"That's mighty nice of ya'll, but Pa won't like that," Skeeter replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, alrighty then, " Skeeter finally agreed. "But Pa won't be liken' it none."
After a hearty meal, Skeeter thanked the farmer. "I feel's me a whole lot's better now, but I jus' knows that Pa gonna be upset 'n all."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."
Very funny, any more of those?
Sure!
Arkansas State trooper pulls over Skeeter's pickup truck on I-40. He says to Skeeter, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout whut?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best bar pickup line in Kentucky:
"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The US Department of the Interior had to change the wording on the metal bands they used to tag migratory birds. Seems these bands used to have the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." One day they received a letter from a hunter named 'Skeeter" in Alabama:
Der Sur:
Las week I shot me one of 'en yer birds. It mite hay been a crow. I follered the cookin' de-rections ona leg tag. Let me tell ya'all, It was AWFUL!
Signed SKEETER
The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You might be a Redneck if:
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named, "Darryl."
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll stop for now...
Arkansas State trooper pulls over Skeeter's pickup truck on I-40. He says to Skeeter, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout whut?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best bar pickup line in Kentucky:
"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The US Department of the Interior had to change the wording on the metal bands they used to tag migratory birds. Seems these bands used to have the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." One day they received a letter from a hunter named 'Skeeter" in Alabama:
Der Sur:
Las week I shot me one of 'en yer birds. It mite hay been a crow. I follered the cookin' de-rections ona leg tag. Let me tell ya'all, It was AWFUL!
Signed SKEETER
The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You might be a Redneck if:
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named, "Darryl."
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll stop for now...
I'm gonna dole these out slowly so we can enjoy them at Spunky's expense for a longer time! 
What do Spunky's kin call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky?
Life Styles of the Rich & Famous.
What do Spunky's kin call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky?
Life Styles of the Rich & Famous.
Hey, I'm only mildly offended from that last statement. Mainly because I'm a transplanted Buckeye but also because I was born with a sense of humor. That being said, what do you get when you put 32 of Spunknit's kin together.......
A full set of teeth.
A full set of teeth.
^LOLOL! Good one!
How do you know when you're staying in a Hillbilly hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How do you know when you're staying in a Hillbilly hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
What about some of the Redneck Dictionary from Blue Collar? That's some funny stuff. 
i think that "commode planter" in spunky's front yard was a gift from her ma! 
How can you tell if one of Spunky's kin is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck...
How many of Spunky's kin does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck...
How many of Spunky's kin does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Hey, I can get in on this too!
Do you know why redneck murder mysteries are so hard to solve?
1. The DNA is all the same.
2. There are no dental records.
Do you know why redneck murder mysteries are so hard to solve?
1. The DNA is all the same.
2. There are no dental records.
Keep them coming! They are really funny! I would suggest keep them original and not use material from the Blue Collar Boys.
Awww, and I had one all set up about moles.
I can't really think of any funny ones right now that I can post on a PG forum board. Guess I'll have to think about it some more an Git 'Er Done!
I can't really think of any funny ones right now that I can post on a PG forum board. Guess I'll have to think about it some more an Git 'Er Done!
QUOTE(Ryan @ Apr 6 2005, 06:39 PM)
Keep them coming! They are really funny! I would suggest keep them original and not use material from the Blue Collar Boys.
I have no idea what The Blue Collar Boys is. I did a search on the net & saw the same jokes over & over & over. I personally see no problem with what we've posted so far. Keep up the good work folks! You make me laugh!
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
Interstate 40.
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Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Perty' near took out the whole trailer park.
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Where was the toothbrush invented?
Tennessee. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called teethbrush
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Why did God create armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools...
Interstate 40.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Perty' near took out the whole trailer park.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Tennessee. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called teethbrush
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did God create armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools...
Two of Spunky's cousins were walking down different ends of a road toward each other, one was carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, "Hey thar Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
If'n I guesses how many thar be, kin I have me one?"
"Shoot, if'n ya guesses right I reckon to give ya both of 'em."
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
When they meet, one says, "Hey thar Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
If'n I guesses how many thar be, kin I have me one?"
"Shoot, if'n ya guesses right I reckon to give ya both of 'em."
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a shopping mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma....
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma....
you should perform on a stage Wagi
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