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[Wagi View Member Profile]

Rufus And Clarence


There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence, both were brothers of Spunky...as well as second cousins and Rufus was also an aunt...

They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your but t!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and knock your head off!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years.

One day the County comes along and build a bridge.

Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.

Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's but t!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up...

TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge... walked halfway over the bridge... looked up..."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches"...

He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"

[Wagi View Member Profile]

Shot Redneck

At the RCT Estates Police Station, Spunky's brother-in-law Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

[Wagi View Member Profile]

The Old Graveyard

Three rednecks called Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the grave stone, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

[Leonardofury View Member Profile]

LOL!

[TheVelvetFoxx View Member Profile]

ROTFLMAO!!!!! Keep'em coming Wagi! This thread is hysterical!

[kraan View Member Profile]

Bubba knows everybody


Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[kraan View Member Profile]

Bubba's New Southern Dictionary


HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The State jes north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The State jes west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Kraan."

EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Kraan smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun "have you".
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

[TheVelvetFoxx View Member Profile]

ROTFL!!!!! More excellent!!!!!! You get five pickles for those!!!!

[OrlanDude View Member Profile]

Ah dint thank ah wuz ignert til ah seed yur post!

[kraan View Member Profile]

Have you ever wondered what would life be like if Microsoft was headquarted in Redmond, Mississippi, instead of Redmond, Washington?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1) Their #1 product would be Micr'sawft Winders
2) Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3) Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4) Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or " Naw"
5) Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6) The "Recycling Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7) Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8) Peripheral products would include a beer tap
9) Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10) Interconnectivity would be a goal at a family reunion
11) Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12) Micr'sawft Word would be just that: one word
13) Instead of latte carts we'd have grit carts
14) New Shutdown sound: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
15) Instead of VP, Micr'sawft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16) Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17) Micr'sawft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18) Four words: Daisy Duke screen saver
19) Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20) Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
21) Flight simulator upgraded to Tractor Pull Simulator
22) Micr'sawft CEO: Bubba Gates